


Hold On.

by LuaB



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky barnes x reader - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, F/M, Marvel - Freeform, Reader Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:11:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8023939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuaB/pseuds/LuaB
Summary: Summary: Bucky still feels guilty about what happened in the events of Civil War and reader tries to confort him. Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Warnings: Angst! :) 
A/N: Another angst story from me, I hope you guys like it, I had this on my mind for a while and it was good to finally write it. Also, english is not my first language so watch out for grammar mistakes, but I'm open to constructive criticism (be nice) and requests are open, so feel free to send me something! 
This was a little inspired by "One More Time With Feeling" by Regina Spektor and "Missing" by Seafret.





	Hold On.

I make my way through the white hallways, my heart beating out of my chest. The memories of everything I lived in the last month burning my senses.

I used to be an Avenger along with Wanda, Sam, Natasha, Tony and the others. Until the Accords. Until Bucky appeared and Steve went through hell and did everything he could to protect his best friend. And I had to help, I just had to. It was Steve, who took care of me when I first joined the team, still scared and only begining to understand the fact that I could control fire. Steve, who became one of the few people I cared for the most in the world. My super soldier mom friend, as I called him sometimes.

But, also, because it was Bucky.

Even though I only met Bucky after he was arrested and taken to Berlin, I always felt a certain curiosity to know more about him. He was simply fascinating. Not only for being Steve long lost friend, but, because he had went through so much, had seen so many things and had being forced to do so many things that I was a little fascinated with the fact that he was still standing. I know he was a mess and could give up at any moment, you could see it in his eyes sometimes, but he was still there. Still fighting - quite literally - still there.

I get into the elevador with my thoughts ruming throught the events that had brought me to were I am. I still remember my first encounter with Bucky like it was yesterday.

 

_I take a deep breath and exchange a look with Sharon, following her out of the car. Parking behind us was a beetle, a ridiculously small beetle that I honestly had no ideia how I would fit inside._

_“Y/N”, Steve said walking towards us and giving me a small smile._

_“Steve”, I reply giving the Captain a small hug._

_“I’m sorry to put you through this, but I’m glad you’re”, he said making me smile._

_“Hey, you know I’m here for you Steve”, I say simply and he nods._

_“Thank you”, he says again and glances at Sharon, making me feel a little like a third wheel._

_“Hum… so I better go and wait in the car…”_

_I say my quick goodbyes to Sharon, thanking her for the lift and make my way to the beetle that looks even smaller as I get closer, finally looking at the two passangers inside._

_Sam was in the passanger seat, looking at me and trying not to smile. Behind him, looking really unconfortable in such a small space was Bucky._

_“Is this a clown car?”, I ask Sam with a smirk as he comes out of the car and greets me._

_“Ha ha, I like it just as much as you do, Y/N, but Steve wanted to keep a low profile”, Sam answers with resignation in his voice._

_“How four people in a tiny car like that is low profile?”_

_Sam shrugged._

_“After all this years you should’ve had learn to just roll with it”, he says._

_“I know”, I sigh “Anyway won’t you introduce me to the reason we’re doing all this?” I ask trying to be sarcastic even though Sam knows how curious I am about the man sitting in the back seat of the car._

_“Sure, get in it… I have a feeling Cap and Sharon are about to kiss and we can’t make fun of him standing here”._

_I roll my eyes but bend over and get inside the tiny car. Bucky moves a little more to his side, trying to give me more space but even like that our thighs still rub against each other._

_“Hi”, I say trying not to sound too eager or pathetic, “you must be Bucky. I'm Y/N Y/L/N”._

_“Hey”, Bucky answers in a low deep voice and everything about the way he tenses up with our proximity screams that he’s not willing to say more than that. So, when he actually say the next words I try really hard not to smile, “it’s nice to meet you. Steve talked a lot about you”._

_“Thanks, it’s nice to meet you too”._

 

After that, when we had to fight our own friends and got arrested if felt like the world was falling apart. Specially after I heard the prision guards talking about how Captain America and Iron Man had this huge fight and Steve and Bucky had vanished. Everything was getting worst and there was nothing I could do about it, not when I was behind bars in a prison in the middle of the ocean.

At less until last week, when Steve, using some of T'Challa’s resources broke us out of prison and took Sam, Wanda, Clint, Scott and I to a safe place here in Wakanda. I still can’t believe that T'Challa is actually helping us, but it’s nice to know that the king of Wakanda himself has our back.

The first day in the safe house was probably the weirdest. Not only because we were in a completely strange place in a completely strange country, but because there was a quiet tension surrounding all of us, even if nobody said anything. What would happen next? The whole world was talking about how a group of five Avengers escaped a maximum security prison with the help of no one other than Captain America himself, even if Steve told us not to call him Captain anymore. “I’m just Steve Rogers now”, he said.

And inspite knowing that we were safe, I still felt so worried. I know I can protect myself in case of a treat, but the anxiety surrounding me was louder then ever. Funnily enough, that was how Bucky and I got more close than I expected.

On my first night in the safe house I couldn’t sleep, the place was too hot and even the calming presence of Wanda on the bed next to mine couldn’t help me relax, so I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and maybe prepare something to eat.

Bucky was sitting in the couch of the adjoining living room, alone in the dark, his eyes out of focus like his mind was miles away.

“Can’t sleep?”, I ask in a low voice not to scare him.

Bucky blinks and shakes his head like he’s trying to keep whatever is in his mind away and looks at me.

“Yeah, it’s a little hard to sleep, to be honest”.

“Want to talk about it?” I offer even though I know he’s gonna say no.

“No, it’s okay doll”, he dismiss my offer but with a kind smile. I nod my head in agreement and decide to change the subject.

“Hey, I’m gonna make a sandwich. Do you want one?”

“No, it’s okay. Don’t bother”.

“Are you sure? It’s chicken and ham, my speciality!”, I insist and Bucky looks at me before nodding his head slowly.

“Okay, then…” he agrees and tries to get off the couch but looses balance and sits back. In a heartbeat I’m next to him and he looks so embarrassed for losing balance that I actually feel sorry for him.

He’s been like that since he lost his left arm in the fight with Tony. Steve told us that according to the doctors he was going to stay like that until they gave him a new arm, but it was obvious that Bucky hated that. He was still able to do his daily activities on his own, but sometimes, if he was either sitting or standing for too long he could loose balance. So, someone was always close in case something like that happened and it was obvious that Bucky hated being treated like a broken thing.

Even though he was broken. Not only because of his arm, but… because of everything.

“It’s fine, I can do this”, he says avoiding my touch and gets up once again, this time without falling.

I remain silent but walk next to him to the kitchen isle, where he seats in a stool. Once he’s seated I walk to the fridge and start grabbing the things I need to make the sandwich. Bucky never says a thing and I don’t know if it is because he’s still not confortable around me or because he just doesn’t know what to say, and I’m honestly not the best in small talk so I just prepare our sandwichs in silence. Once I’m done, I take the plate to the living room and signal Bucky to follow me. He seats in the couch again, this time next to me and I turn the TV on, choosing some old episode of Law & Order SVU.

We don’t talk, just eat and watch TV and I can see that it helps him, I can see Bucky getting distracted by the plot, so we remained that way until I noticed that he has fallen asleep. He looks so peaceful and calm, like there’s nothing wrong.

I turn the TV off and grab a blanket from the other couch, covering his sleeping body before puting the plate in the sink and going back to bed.

After that, I noticed that Bucky is always near. We never talk, but when I’m watching TV he seats next to me, when we’re having dinner - all seven of us, because for some reason, Steve wants us to stay together - he seats next to me. And, at night, when I can hear his cries and screams, I make my way to his bedroom and gently wake him up. We don’t say anything either, but I signal him to follow me and he does. We seat in front of the TV watching wathever is on and eating chicken and ham sandwich until he falls asleep and I go back to my room.

It’s a weird dynamic, but I find myself getting used to it and even liking it more and more as the days go by. I know that Bucky needs actual help and that not talking it’s not gonna make all his pain go away, but I’m afraid that if I say anything, I’ll break whatever this is. I don’t want him to shut down again, not when his starting to get used to me, to this safe house and to being himself again.

So, last night when I heard his cries again I do the same thing I’ve been doing. I got up and walked to his bedroom, but this time, Bucky is not asleep. He’s awake, sitting at the end of his bed, his head low, almost touching his knees and I can hear him crying.

I never heard him crying before, and there was something about looking at such a big and strong man like him in this very vunerable way that breaks my heart even more. He may be a super soldier and the Winter Soldier and all of those titles that people gave him, but at the end of the day, Bucky was just a broken person. Who needed help. And sitting in front of a TV, with chicken and ham sandwich and old TV shows, completely avoiding talking about the problem wasn’t going to help him at all.

“Bucky?” I call and he tenses. “It’s okay, I’m here”, I get inside he’s trashed bedroom and seat next to him in bed.

Before neither of us can say anything, Steve appears in the door, looking worried.

“Buck, are you okay? What happened? Was it a nightmare?”

Bucky doesn’t answer, just keeps looking down at the floor.

“Don’t worry, Steve, it’s okay…”, I say and I don’t know if I’m saying this more to myself then to the both of them, but it’s the first thing that comes out of my mouth.

Steve doesn’t seem to believe in my words.

“Y/N, I can stay with him. Go back to bed”.

“No, it’s fine, Steve. Really. I’ll handle this, go get some sleep. I know that you have to meet T'Challa tomorrow morning, so don’t worry” I say trying to sound reassuring.

Steve looks from Bucky to me and then to Bucky again.

“Are you sure?”, he asks.

I nod.

“Okay… But, call me if you need to, alright?”

“Alright, Steve”.

Steve glances at Bucky and I once again and leaves, still looking worried. I wait until I hear the sound of his bedroom door closing before turning to Bucky again.

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this…”, Bucky says, his voice barely a whisper so I have to get a little more closer to actually hear him.

“Bucky…”

“It’s true. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore…”

“Bucky, what is going on?”, I ask trying to sound more calm than I really feel. Bucky doesn’t answer, just dry his eyes with his hand. “Please, talk to me… Please, James”, I try.

“Don’t call me that”, Bucky cuts me with a cold tone, then glances at me with a guilty expression, but, quickly looks back to the floor, “I-I’m sorry… It’s just that I’m not James anymore. I’m Bucky, just Bucky… Whatever the hells this means…I’m just so…”

I look at him hoping that he finishes his sentence, but he doesn’t. His eyes are a little red and the guilty expression turns into a sad one.

“Talk to me, Bucky, please. Maybe I can help. It’s okay”.

I close my eyes after saying the last words again. Maybe I should stop saying that everything is okay when cleary it’s not.

“I can’t, Y/N… I just can’t do this anymore…”, he bursts out, his voice shaken. This time, I don’t say anything, just stare at his trembling figure. “It’s just too much, and, I-I really thought for a while that I could deal with all that, but…”

“Bucky… What are you trying to say?”, I feel the fear of what his words could mean coming out of my voice.

Bucky takes a deep breath and looks at me. Really looks at me. Like it’s the first time he’s actually paying attention to the fact that I am there. His eyes travel from my eyes, to my lips, to my hair and I feel my face getting warmer. Nobody never looked at me like that. Or maybe someone did, but I never really payed attention.

“I’m sorry, Y/N”, he finally says and the change in his tone tells me he doens’t want to talk about it anymore, “I didn’t mean to disturbe you, you can go back to sleep…”

“No!”, I exclaim and Bucky looks surprise, “Five seconds ago you’re crying and saying that you couldn’t do this anymore and now you want me to leave? What the hell, Bucky?! Please, talk to me! Let me help you!”

“You don’t understand…” Bucky takes a deep breath and tries again, “Look, I’m sorry Y/N, but it’s not fair for me to drag you into this… I’m a mess. My mind is a mess… And you have enough going on in your life, you all do, it’s not fair to drag you into this, I’m sorry…”

Frustration crawls over me. Can’t he see that all I want to do is help?

“Bucky, listen, I want you to talk to me about this. You can talk to me. Don’t worry, I can handle it, trust me. It’s really okay, I’ll be glad if you do. I’m here”.

Bucky sighs, sounding really tired. His blue eyes dark and sad, like he’s being drained.

“Okay… It’s just that, sometimes I feel like this is too much. I don’t know if I can wake up everyday and look at Steve or you or everyone else knowing what I did. And before you say it, I know I didn’t had a choice and that HYDRA made do those things. But it was me. I killed Tony’s parents and JFK and so many people… There’s so much blood on my hands and now you were sent to prision and Steve had to give up his shield and, God knows what could happen to T'Challa if someone finds out that he’s been protecting us, and… I can’t wake up everyday knowing that I caused all that. Knowing that if my mind wasn’t so messed up, that Zemo guy wouldn’t have triggered me and none of this would’ve had happened…And when I think I can close my eyes and forget all of this even for one second, I can’t. My nightmares are all there to remind me of the monster I’ve become and I can’t do it anymore…”

I look at Bucky’s eyes and for a moment the words escape me.

Bucky is not crying anymore, he looks at me and it’s almost like I could see that emptiness that always follows after you have a breakdown. He’s probably starting to feel embarrassed for telling me all of this.

“Bucky… I know that you think we blame you for this, but we really don’t. I don’t blame you for any of this. If Zemo hadn’t triggered you, he would have found another way to break us apart. What he did wasn’t your fault. And what HYDRA did to you wasn’t your fault either, even though you had to do it with your own hands, do you understand?”

He doesn’t say anything, but nods his head.

“And about T'Challa and the rest of us, don’t worry. We can protect ourselves. I promise”.

Bucky’s lips twist a little in a small smile and I do the same.

“Thank you, doll”.

“You don’t have to thank me, Bucky. I’m here for you, okay?”

Bucky nods in agreement, but something is his look made me feel worried.

“Can you just promise me something?”

He looks suprised with my question and waits, without actually answering.

“Just promise me that you won’t do anything rash? I know that must be really hard for you, but we’re here to help and T'Challa is looking for the best doctors in the planet to help heal your mind, so… Just, please, wait okay?”

I can see the pain in Bucky’s eyes while I talk but he’s fast in hiding his emotions. He hesitated a little like he wants to interrupt, but stops himself. By the time I finished talking, he’s already with a playful smirk in his lips.

“Only if you do one thing for me”.

I raise one eyebrow.

“What is it?”

“A chicken and ham sandwich? I don’t know how you do that thing but it’s addictive!”

I laugh a little at this and nod in agreement.

“C'mon then soldier, maybe we can watch some more SVU too”.

Bucky agrees and follows me to the kitchen where I make our sandwichs and we seat by the couch watching SVU. This time I fall asleep first with Bucky next to me, looking more calm then he was before and I feel relieved to know that he might be feeling a little better now.

I wake up in the couch with the sun peaking through the curtains. It’s early and everyone is probably still asleep. I stretch my body and rub eyes, noticing a piece of paper next to the remote control. It’s a note and there’s my name in it.

_“Y/N_

_Thank you for last night, thank you for being so kind and for talking to me. I hope you know that I tried really hard to listen to what you said and I know that you mean well, but, I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it’s the best thing for all of us._

_I’m sorry._

_Bucky”._

I gasped looking at the piece of paper in my hands and remembering something Steve had said about Bucky having an appointment with a doctor on T'Challa’s palace.

And this is where I am now, running through the white corridors of the sixth floor. Ignoring the people around me and trying to find the room where he will be. I hear a security guard calling me, telling me that I should stop running but I don’t care. I have to find Bucky. I have to stop him from doing something like this. I have to tell him that we can help and that he doesn’t have to give up.

I turn into a corner, slowing my pace when I see Steve. He’s alone and everything about him tells me that he’s in pain.

“Excuse, miss, but you can’t run like that here! This is a hospital!”, the guard says but I ignore him, looking at Steve.

“Steve”, I say and my voice is full of expectation.

“He just went to cryo…”, Steve says and I want to cover my ears because listening to my friend telling me this makes everything more real then I want it to be. “I’m sorry, Y/N, he’s gone”.

And I just stand there, in that suffocating white hallway, feeling my heart being torn apart.


End file.
